Article by: MaryEllen | Thursday, April 26, 2012

By Gina Parris

It was a busy season as I was building my new coaching business. I had managed to combine my love of sports and the stock market to help both athletes and market traders win big under pressure. My clients paid me very well to master their mindset, and I was euphoric, and then, obsessed.

One night, after more countless hours on the computer and the phone, I walked into the bedroom and announced, “I was BORN to be a performance coach!”

My husband’s face showed zero enthusiasm.

Oh no. I felt my defensiveness rising, even as my guilt kicked in. There was definitely one performance that I was unable to master. I hated thinking about it because it was humiliating and a source of contention. It was sex. In the bedroom I was a flop. Disinterested. Unfulfilling.

Oh I had drive all right, just no sex drive.

“Sometimes I resent your business,” my husband said, with a frown.

I looked at that handsome man who had stood by me at the altar all those years earlier. I wondered how I could bring so much frustration to someone I loved so much. I was pretty sure there was something wrong with me. Could it possibly be normal to have no libido?

I knew I was capable of having sex – we had 4 kids in just 3 pregnancies. I remember loving it some of those years too, but any more, sex was the subject of our fights.  He wanted more sex and I wanted more money. We needed more money. In fact, how could I even relax and enjoy myself when there was so much work to do? By the time I was done working my tail off for more money, running the home and caring for the kids, I was exhausted.

Scarcity ran through my veins.

And then something happened-

I learned how to master my own mind and body connection to feel great on demand.

An amazing thing happened when I flipped the switch on my sex drive: My husband almost immediately doubled his income. I realized then, that there really is something to the sex and money connection!

The more we connected physically, the more we connected emotionally and spiritually also. As we did, both of us grew in our careers. Perhaps most importantly, both of us became happier at home. I am not saying that sex is the main thing in a marriage, but the steps it takes to connect sexually, happen to make us feel better.

Here are some key ideas to spicing up your love life while also building your career.

• Recognize that you were made for pleasure.

Having sex with our mate is not something we do just as another chore to check off the list. When we truly connect in a place of love and passion, we actually become stronger, healthier and less prone to stress.

Did you know that during orgasm, oxytocin floods your body and your spouse’s body, making you feel closer to each other? This is the same bonding hormone released when we nurse our own babies.  Pleasure itself is a connector too. When was the last time you and your guy did something together just for the joy of it? You deserve to feel great, and he may be longing to connect with you and bring you pleasure.

• Your sexual pleasure makes him feel masculine.

Okay, this is a stereotype, but generally, nothing boosts a man’s self-esteem like being able to please his woman in bed. His sexual success makes him feel loved, valued and close to you. In his mind it also validates his masculinity and confidence.

Being rejected of course has the opposite painful result. As one husband so bluntly put it, “If my wife doesn’t want me sexually, I can’t believe she wants me at all.”

• Sexual confidence makes both men and women more effective in the marketplace.

In his classic book, Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill talks about the power of the emotion of sex. His whole “tenth step towards riches” is about channeling and honoring the relationship that includes love, sex and romance.  He points out that all successful leaders, politicians and sales-people have a strong magnetism, which is really their sexual energy. This is not a sexuality that seduces everyone around them, but that operates in masculine or feminine confidence.  In fact, he insists that most men fail to achieve greatness until they reach an age where their sexual energy is under control and combined with true love and romance.

So these ideas might sound great in theory, but in reality, how is a busy Mom supposed to turn on her inner “sex kitten?”

Here are just a few ideas:

1. Get enough sleep.

I know you’re thinking that’s the problem.  “I don’t have sex because I need more sleep!” I hear you, but do you really need those late night TV shows to relax? Do you need to keep working late, with your laptop in the bedroom? If you make the bedroom a sanctuary for just sleeping and sex, you’re more likely to have more of both. Somehow then you can be energized to get more done in less time.

2. Get in touch with your senses.

We often live with so much stress that we can rush through our day detached from our senses all together. We have noisy television channels instead of lovely music. We scarf down fast food, rather than lingering over great a great meal. We women are even capable of having sex while planning our week. Oops. We didn’t mean to have our mind wander like that.

So, instead of rushing, try doing the opposite. Sloooow down.  Take a shower and savor all the fragrances. Enjoy the water as you breathe deeply and slowly. Celebrate your body just the way it is throughout the day. You are perfect. Then look for the beauty around you and revel in the present moment. The more you enjoy sensual pleasures throughout the day, the faster you will tune in to pleasure with your mate.

Great sex, after all, is a sensuous experience.

3. Finally, focus on what is great about your mate. He may not be perfect, but he probably still has some qualities that first attracted you. Look for what is admirable about him and let your self enjoy his desire for you. Love is a profound emotion and more than that, it is the result of a decision. Choose to express your love and see how it makes the love grow.

There is a fascinating bi-product of seeing the best in those around us; it raises our own self-esteem. When you look for the beauty and sexiness in your mate, your own beauty and sexiness is heightened. That’s good news.

Raising kids and creating a career are noble activities.  Why not do so while also building a marriage that is sizzling, sexy and sacred?

About the Author

Gina Parris is a peak performance coach, speaker and a champion for the sexy marriage. She is the founder of WinningAtRomance.com. For more than 25 years, Gina has been helping people reach their full potential – joyfully. Her passion shines through as she helps people heal their sexual and relational issues.  She has worked on the staff of several large churches, and addressed hundreds of audiences in person, on TV, radio, and the web. Her private coaching clients range from professional athletes to work- from-home professionals.  Gina combines her background in ministry, sports performance and energy psychology to help people build a love life, and a livelihood that is filled with victory.